34 Ways Television Lies
1. Your friends backbite.
2. Girls communicate exclusively through gossip.
3. The manly man – the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker – is the one you want.
4. The girly man – the accountant, the lawyer, the politician – is not.
5. There is a more interesting life out there, where people don’t spend their time watching TV (have you ever watched someone watch TV on TV?).
6. The best way to access this more interesting life is through television. (Thanks to David Foster Wallace for this.)
7. You are not beautiful enough.
8. In fact, you are not even close to beautiful enough.
9. There is someone out there who is perfect for you and only you.
10. You are perfect for them, too.
11. You are constantly being evaluated and judged.
12. Nobody else has any sort of self-identity confusion. They are near-static, self-assured characters.
13. Your qualms and confusions are weaknesses.
14. Political speeches are important.
15. You have to be doing something with your hands at all times, or you seem stiff and awkward.
16. Gaffes, especially of the speaking variety, are unacceptable.
17. Everyone is all about sex, all the time.
18. Celebrities’ lives are somehow inherently more interesting than yours.
19. Spoken communication is, by and large, passe.
20. Plastic surgery – not time – heals all wounds.
21. The preparation of food is a heartwarming, fun, unique experience despite the fact that a million other families are eating the same food out of the same can/box.
22. Every response out of your mouth must be quick, witty, and incisive.
23. Things are always more than they seem.
24. Nobody can be happy with what they already have.
25. Men have a right to spend a fortune when they have a mid-life crisis, but menopause confers no such entitlement.
26. If you try hard enough, you will succeed.
27. There is no arduous mediocrity in learning. There is only a scene where you pick up an instrument, and then, later, one in which you impress your friends with a masterful rendition.
28. Only a diamond will do for an engagement ring.
29. See a lover before a therapist when a marriage or relationship hits a rough patch.
30. “Falling out of love” is reason enough for divorce.
31. You will always have the same friends.
32. Men, unassisted, will notice when a woman is upset.
33. Men know what to do when a woman is upset.
34. Elderly people are boring and nosy.
(Photo Credit: Quattro X)
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