How Not to Punish a Friend
At first glance, a new article in Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy seems totally backwards, claiming that stricter punishments actually increase rates of reoffense in drug users. But a closer examination helps bring us back to one of the core truths of human behavior – we consider the consequences of our actions. How does a stricter punishment actually work to increase rates of reoffense? By closing off other life opportunities. For example, drug offenders are unable to receive food stamps or public housing, and it’s much more difficult for someone with a drug-related rap sheet to become employed. Many of these people find themselves back in the only businesses they know, which tend to be illegal ones. Once someone is in this position, the cost of committing another drug crime is much lower, since you can’t re-evict someone or re-revoke welfare or anything like that. This means that the high rates of reoffense used to support these punishments are partially caused by the punishments themselves! Without a second chance to live right, there is no opportunity to learn from mistakes, and no reason to avoid them again.
What does this mean for me?
We can all learn the larger lesson here and bring it into our interactions with others. If we have a fight with a spouse or lover, or a disobedient kid, or an insensitive friend, we don’thave to take everything away. The relationship doesn’t have to end; the kid doesn’t have to lose the car; the friend doesn’t have to be out of confidence forever. An irrevocable punishment will not produce a positive resolution to a problem. This isn’t to say that no punishment is in order. Sometimes a husband really needs a night on the couch to remember how good it is in the master bedroom. Taking a middle stance removes resentment from the other person’s perspective. If you can make them think “Well, I got what I deserved,” then your punishment was a success. If they think “Whatever – now I have nothing more to lose,” then you’re not really helping them at all. You’ve also closed off a path to reconciliation on a relationship that must have had some value to you in the first place.
What has worked for you? How far is too far? Are there offenses that really need to be punished irrevocably? Why?
(Photo Credit: BeadsinTheBelfry)
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